Monday, 30 March 2015

Shrink Tales #4: In Which We Spoke of Faith

Back in first semester when all students had common classes in all disciplines there were several professors whose classes i looked forward to attending. One of it was that of Prof. Ghoshal of the department of audiography. He was the one among the people who asked us all to read Bresson's Notes on the Cinematographer. I read it because he suggested it and it changed my life like it did everyone's who ever read it. 

It was in one of those classes that we were introduced to the concept of compressors, dynamic range etc. Compressors worked to reduce the dynamic range. That is, it would cut the limit to which the highest high and the lowest low could go. When i was prescribed lithium by my psychiatrist and i knocked at google's door with it i thought of compressors. The pills were supposed to do exactly that. Cut my highs and lows.

Now there are things which you don't like for no reason. I don't like curd. Don't like crocs (footwear). Don't like multi coloured buses. I didn't like lithium from the day i started taking it. Everything was fine. I was getting ample hours of sleep. A little too much of it perhaps. As for my highs and lows i didn't find any difference.

When i said this to Ms Mullick, my psychologist, she said it could be that the medicines were working and i was unaware of it.

I spoke of the time when i had a gut feeling about shooting a funeral and D Jeet refused to do it. She asked me if i was impulsive. I was. She asked me to draw a pattern of it. Figure out when it was happening. If i felt that i was being taken for granted. I didn't know.

I would like to believe that the pills are working. I would like to figure out my own pattern in being impulsive. Like the time i rode my cycle to D Jeet's place in the middle of the night. I have no answers to what prompted it. No answer to what usually sets my adrenaline pumping. May be i will find out.

She spoke of finding faith. I disagreed immediately. Said that i was an atheist and could in no way lay my trust upon any 'larger force'. She said it need not be a larger force. It could be someone whom i looked up to. Someone to emulate. That was easy. I had her.
I said that i had a person like that whom i wanted to copy in all ways possible. Also said that i sunk deeper into my pit of sadness when i realized i could never ever be like her.
She said it was enough that i lay my trust in myself. Every time i did something i had to tell myself that i would outshine myself. Sounded easy. During work, however, it never happened. I was always unhappy with what i had. Improvement made me happy but only temporarily.  

From then my sessions with Ms Mullick would be fortnightly.

Journal entries of two weeks are below.

19th March 2015
Twisted ankle. Hate it. Why am i injured all the time.
Sri and NN drank in the room yesterday. Sri said she was attracted to me sexually. I confessed i had a crush on her. She asked if she could kiss me. I said no. Said we would when we were sober.

Restless. Mind wanders like a loose kite. Will she back off again on 30th? Hope D Jeet doesn't back off.

Tried masturbating yesterday. Couldn't.
Could be the pills.

20th March 2015
Deeply upset with D Jeet. Why can't men be a little honest. Blame myself for all this crap. Cycled till Lake Market in the middle of the night to give D Jeet 'The Little Prince'. It is so cool to act like you are in love. The sad part is that deep inside you know there is nothing even close to love, And to top it all men are dishonest creatures. If i find somebody, some man who is as honest as i am, i will simply get married to him. Moral of the story is that you are not going to get married ever.

21st March 2015
Told D Jeet what he had done. The man is crazy. Bengali version of a mallu man. Dishonest. Egotistic. So what about my ego. Why do i always sacrifice my ego in front of people who don't even love me. We decided to continue like we didn't know each other for a week. I hope both he and i snap out of it.

First attempt at baking. Flop.

Missing D Jeet like crazy. Bad.

23rd Monday. March 2015
Anand Patwardhan interview
Something to look forward to.

Talk about your restlessness the next time you visit.
Mind is unable to be at one thing for even ten minutes at a stretch.
NN cleaned her portion of the room. Was a lovely sight. Did some tidying up myself. Now on the bed and trying to read. I am reminded of myself in high school. Those were good times, i suppose.
I was happy,
Like the small round bandage they put on your arm after blood is drawn. Dr. Mukherjee- tomorrow's mission.

24th March 2015
D Jeet refused to shoot on 30th as well. Very bad beginning of a day. When will all the world turn to being like me. Evident that this world is not my place. I am unfit to be here.

Hospitals suck.
Missed Sethuvamma in spite of myself.
Treatment shouldn't be this expensive.
How do people who don't have that sort of money get treatment.
Stupid people watching cricket again.

Palash: Have you seen fish in hospitals
I have never understood the logic behind it.
But gold fish in huge fish tanks are like moving palash flowers.
Your image should be that of those flowers dropping in and floating. floating. sinking. sinking.

25th march
Session with Dr Mukherjee yesterday was quick. May be i am recovering. Next appointment after a month Watched The Theory of Everything. Nothing spectacular. Need to start attending night screenings as well. Parajenov is not my man. Don't see the point.

27th march 2015
A man applying nail paint on his beloved's nails. The girl bites her nails. That is why the act is important.

Extremely glad that india lost whatever stupid match they were playing. No game as boring & pointless and cricket. I hope india loses every match it plays.

Spoke to dean. Asked him about the coffee offer he had made. Said he would give that on Monday. Monday was the day i was supposed to shoot Florence. Deeply upset with D Jeet. Why doesn't he shoot!

28th March
Wrong day to finish a book. Non working Saturday for the library. Basusree cinema today? London Paris thought it was a single screen theatre. Turned out to be a mall. Sethuvamma reaching tomorrow. Will make payasam.

Reflection of the scrolling writing on a phone of our girl who is in a metro. Going where? [Basusree cinema expedition]

How to go to Basusree cinema
Jatin Das Park Metro. Gate #6
Walk ahead. On the left.
Asked D Jeet if he wanted to come.
He didn't. Feel at home going to movies alone.

Last film watched here was The World Before Her.
Chart all this in the blog.
Life is good.

Nobody understands my illicit relationship with Kolkata
Not even her

30th March
Met D Jeet after the film yesterday. Spoke of his cinematographer's block online. Scared. I feel he is hiding something about his block.

I can't wait to be alone.
Alone is a six legged insect crawling up my back. I want to flick it away but i like the tickling sensation. It will eventually bore a hole behind my head and make a home there by eating its contents.

How can you tell the story teller from the tale?

Meaning is fascist: Yale School of deconstruction

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